Ok, so I tried to cure myself of my obsession with Sugar
by sleeping with Dale the decorator,
only to find my mum had got there before me.
Kim!
So I'm a 15-year-old queer virgin.
Such a fuckin' virgin.
My mum's a whore and she's so scared I'll tell Nathan, she's trying to be my best mate.
Who said family life was simple?
When you're a kid, you get told a lot of shit.
These are the best days of your life.
Course we love you.
And then you get older and you think, "Now they'll level with me."
This won't hurt.
But they never do.
Aubergine or apple?
We walk around pretending we're in a Disney movie.
Whatever you want, my darling.
When really it's a gangster porn flick.
Oh! Kim!
You've got to expect nothing...
What's a rent boy?
Erm... they were a band.
Uh... in the '80s.
Except lies.
The thing that really pisses me off is that she's totally getting away with it.
Dale should do your room next, Kim.
Yeah.
Cool.
And I just keep going along with it.
That's because you're such a good liar.
What colour paint do you want?
Stella can choose.
Too old. For what? A toy boy?
Nathan is a complete sucker.
Why hasn't he caught her?
Knock, knock.
Ooh, you look nice.
You going somewhere special?
Ooh, can I have a spray?
Mmm.
Did you want something?
Um...
Just a bit worried.
Wondered how you were. I'm great, I'm fine. What do you expect?
Good. I was a bit worried.
What do you want? I told you.
Stella, the concerned mother isn't in your nature.
So just spit it out. What do you want?
Can I borrow your jeans? What?
Only if you're not wearing them, it doesn't matter if you won't.
You really are priceless, aren't you?
Are you gonna lend me your jeans or not? Why the hell should I help you meet Dale?
Hey. What do you think?
"The world is your oyster".
Or "Green".
Don't get sad, get even.
What do you mean? Well...
You know when Donkey told Darren he had me,
and Darren went completely bellistic. Well, I thought l'd teach them both a lesson.
I'm gonna shag Ray the doorman.
Sugar's logic may be twisted, but in the end it made sense.
Revenge is sweet.
Stella was just borrowing clothes.
She wants to take you bowling. Bowling?
Wahey! We haven't done that for years. I thought you hated it.
Oh. We can't, we can't.
It's parents' evening. Parents' what?
I don't believe it. Oh you've not made plans, have you?
No, no. Of course not.
What could be more important than her only daughter's education?
Yeah, exactly.
Think of all the things you could do to her. Like what?
Like... I could sleep with your dad.
Ugh.
So, Mr and Mrs Daniels, it's very nice to meet you.
Before we get onto Kim's academic records, I thought we could have a general chat.
How do you think Kim's settling in?
Fine, I think.
Hey, I know. We could put acid in her foundation.
Yeah. Or...
or we could put... we could put bleach in her lube.
Ugh.
You don't think the move has been too disruptive?
No. Why?
It's just that I can't help feeling that she's a little distracted.
Like something's worrying her.
I'm sure Kim's fine.
Well, you know your daughter better than me.
She just doesn't seem very happy.
Why is my mum such a cow, Shoogs?
I don't know, Kiz.
Do you think I'm a slag?
What's more important...
truth or love?
No.
Course not.
Well, maybe you need both for it to really work.
Sanctimonious little bitch. We haven't done very well, have we?
Ignore her. What does she know about our family?
Kim has been very strange recently.
Yeah, well.
Think there is something wrong?
Like what? I don't know. I'll have to speak to her.
No, l'll do it.
Really? Mm-hm.
You sure? Yeah.
Last time you did, such a huge row. Nathan, I'll do it.
All right.
Talk to our son, he's the one who's walking around with a goldfish bowl on his head.
I mean, she wants us to have a "mother and daughter day".
lt's fucking disgusting.
What does she want you to do? Help her pack tights?
There is this fantastic new spa opened in town.
Massages, great lunch,
and they've even got a thalassotherapy pool.
You can bring Sugar.
That's fucking brilliant.
Er... no. We're meant to be shitting on her, remember?
Do you think I'll be able to get a Brazilian, ready for Ray?
No. He's gonna love me.
He won't be able to keep his hands off me. No.
Ow! Oh.
Oh, to be those paper pants.
Look, l'm not going to get a rash, am l?
Want me to smother you in cream?
For once we agreed on something.
Ow!
Ray is going to love me.
lt's not about men, it's about making yourself feel good.
Yeah, right. You believe that?
You girls these days, you're so clued up.
That's because you adults are so full of shit.
Oh. Ugh.
lt's a bit sour this, innit?
What do you want next, Kim?
How about an exfoliating massage?
Mmm. Hot stone treatment.
No, thank you.
How about a colonic?
If that's a cocktail, I'll have two.
I almost wished I was with Dad and Matt.
Ah.
That was good fun, wasn't it?
Dad. Yeah?
I'm from another planet.
Or maybe not.
Your card and receipt, madam.
What's brilliant about being your age is you can do anything you want.
You don't have to feel guilty.
I never feel guilty.
I think you are very good for my daughter.
Yeah, I help keep her straight.
We don't want her ending up like you. Mmm.
I suppose she told you that...
I'm not in favour at the moment.
She has a go at me as well, sometimes.
You can't smoke in here.
Kim would like to believe we're all perfect.
What she doesn't realise is...
once you've had two kids and you've been living with the same man for 15 years,
the sex really isn't that great.
Kim!
It was only meant to be a bit of fun, I didn't mean to upset you.
Why don't you come back in? Mm?
Come on, darling.
Please.
Oh, for God's sake, what's wrong?
What's wrong?
Moping around the place, making everyone's life a misery.
I mean, Nathan's worried sick.
Well, maybe that's your fault.
It was a one-off! That's very reassuring.
I made a mistake.
Do you really believe that?
Cos I don't think you feel guilty at all.
That's not fair. Well, then finish it.
Please, Mum.
This is as much your dad's fault.
It's complicated.
Fine.
You're not going to tell him? Kim!
Kim! Kim.
Kim, hold up. Kiz, I've got something for you.
What's wrong?
Kizzer, what's wrong?
I don't know.
Have a guess.
No?
No idea?
Kizzer! I'm in me heels.
What's your fucking problem? You were supposed to be there for me,
not to get pissed with her. It's not my fault she had alcohol.
How could you be so nice to her after you know what she's done?
I thought you wanted revenge.
Yeah. So?
I had to win her round.
The shafting's always much harder when it comes from someone you love.
You...
Payback time.
For once I thought that Stella was right.
You know what's brilliant about being your age is you can do anything you want...
and never have to feel guilty.
It was the perfect crime.
She won't say anything. Cos if she does...
I didn't mean to do it, Dad. I was just so upset about Stella and Dale.
They're having an affair.
We are a beautiful, devious duo.
Nothing or no one can get in our way.
Except...
If you'd like to enter your pin.
Sugar had thought of everything else. She knew the stuff that mattered.
If you're gonna con someone, you've got to get inside their heads.
So I'm your mum, yeah? You're a tart.
My life's shit. You'll sleep with anything.
My kids are shit.
My husband's a minger.
And I ain't had an orgasm in years.
Is this really necessary?
Um...
it's just these new machines.
I can never quite remember.
Hmm...
would you like me to cancel the transaction?
Um...
Then I remembered Stella had changed it...
I'll do it.
To something she'd never forget.
I'd like to say it was my birthday, but actually...
It's the date she shagged Simon Le Bon.
What? Oh, don't ask.
God, Kimmy, I thought we were dead meat.
But we weren't. Just like Stella, we were getting away with it.
And, shit, it felt great.
Hello.
Yeah, um, I'd like to order a crate of alcopops, please.
Yeah, the number is 3907...
Sugar had become my mother.
What do you think her credit limit is?
I think we've spent way more than she can afford already.
So?
She had no sense of consequences.
And in the end, the only person she cared about was herself.
I thought this was about me getting revenge.
Yeah. You get revenge
and I get... clothes. Ok?
And the worst thing?
Suppose so.
I totally went along with it.
It should have been a good day.
Love me, babe.
We could er... use the card and get a hotel.
If I wasn't such a sucker.
It's like...
if you came to my planet, you'd feel lonely.
Cos everyone would be like me.
Matt, you do know that um...
er, that you were really born on Earth, don't you?
I just told you I wasn't.
I see. Er...
You must know that.
It's like I don't fit in.
And one day... I'm gonna have to go back there.
Mmm.
I got you something.
It's for your spot.
My life was one big cover-up, one big lie.
Thanks.
Want a... a chip?
You're right.
What?
You are from another planet.
We didn't want to say anything because um...
You see, um...
I'm from a different planet, too.
Right. I'm gonna head. What?
Yeah, I'm kinda tired. Oh, what about clubbing?
Ray the doorman, remember? He's gonna get us free drinks.
Yeah. Well, you don't need me.
Well, um... will you leave us your mum's credit card, then?
That was it. There were gonna be no more cover-ups.
You know what? I'm sick of being your lapdog.
Kiz.
You can keep your spot cream cos I like it how it is.
From now on, I was gonna tell the truth.
Ray would shag the homeless.
Which is a good thing because you look like a fucking tramp!
Tramp.
Honesty really was the best policy.
Put your top on.
Um... I was just telling Dale we had to finish.
Such a load of bollocks. Kim!
You're full of shit, Stella.
We're home.
It's an alien invasion.
We had a great day. Dad's from the moon, too.
Oh.
Is everything ok? Mm-hm.
This was my chance. We were gonna talk properly for a change.
All right, mate? "All right, mate?"
Have you no idea what's going on?
I found them on the kitchen table and I've just found them in here.
What's she talking about?
They're having an affair, Dad.
What?
She's fucking the decorator.
Who am I kidding?
It's an alien invasion.
Is everything ok? Mm-hm.
All right, mate?
Mum was just trying on the clothes we bought.
We had a really girly day together.
Thanks, Kim.
That was very brave, what you did.
I know it's not easy.
Hey, come on.
I just want us to be a proper family.
We are.
Like we were.
I don't want you and Dad to split up.
That's not gonna happen.
Really?
Of course not.
Just so long as you don't say anything.
Come on.
Let's dry those eyes.
We don't want Dad to see you like this. Why?
Well... Because he might suspect?
No, because he will worry. You don't give a shit.
That's not true. Can't mess up your romance.
If you're that concerned, why don't you wear these?
I wouldn't want to help screw up the lie.
So there we were, a perfect family once more.
One day I'm gonna visit the moon. Mmm. Good.
You can't come. I hope your spaceship explodes.
I hope your pubes turn ginger. Matt.
On the outside, everything made sense.
Wow.
Oh, you look great.
Thank you.
Yeah. I chose it for her.
Oh, it's perfect, Kimmy.
I know. I thought it was less tarty than the usual stuff she wears.
You're very right. You two should go out together more often.
You see? It has been a brilliant day.
Maybe I should have told the truth, told Nathan that he was with the wrong woman,
that she was bound to break his heart.
But you can't help who you love.
You still think this lady's a tramp?
Hold this, will you?
Do you wanna watch?
No.
And there we have it.
Another lie.